A Mother’s Guilt
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Some days feel longer than others— I never knew how much I’d cry. When did the simple things such as taking in groceries, putting the kids inside—hell even giving them a bath—become so stressful? To the point of feeling mommy guilt.
Every day that they cry I feel like it’s a reflection of something else I’ve done wrong. Every day they get a bad report from daycare, I take it personally as a bad reflection of something I did wrong. I feel like there is so much more I could be doing, more that they could be learning. Then I notice I don’t have time. I shed tears and cringe because there is so much more I could be doing. Feeling like their tears and progress reports are evidence of my wrongdoings as a mother, I battle with that woman staring back at me in the mirror. But time—the precious limited number of moments that I experience with them—is proving to be my greatest enemy. How much more can I teach them? How much more do I have to learn?
I experience mom guilt from the simplest things, I cry because they want a hug from me. I encounter Guilt because I am so tired and frustrated that I lash out and scream “STOP”. But what can I say? I am only human but it doesn’t stop my mommy guilt. Does the lashing out and exhaustion make me a bad mom? Does saying “STOP” make me the bad parent? Out of all the feats I’ve survived, I’d say that the mommy guilt makes me more human than I could imagine. It proves to me that I am learning and improving every step of this journey.
There are days when I am strong, there are days when I can keep myself motivated, but Lord there are days when that mommy guilt takes over. I feel every emotion possible but the most common of them all are overwhelmed, anxious, and stressed. Finally, I decided to reach out, I don’t know if you know it, but mommy guilt is common. Lord knows my battles—knows my fears and my strength, but sometimes that mommy guilt overwhelms me. Sometimes it swallows me whole and I can’t get free and I feel alone. The thing is—I’m not. This battle is being fought by so many others.
So I reach out and I tell my friends I need some encouraging words and they are there to pick me up when I feel like I have fallen short. *Sighs* The mommy guilt stops for a while but it always seems to resurface. My children are taken care of and they have everything they could imagine. So what is the guilt eating at?
I think it is crazy cause last night I was hella stressed out, I cried and beat myself up because of all the things I wasn’t doing. There are things in my life that I didn’t say I wanted this way. I never pictured certain aspects of my life to be this way but it is.
A friend mentioned to me “mommy guilt isn’t bad, it’s just a sign that you are being a great parent”. She also told me that mommy guilt never really goes away, you just learn to handle it a little bit better. It’s funny how we always have plans but God shows up and chooses the best one for us. So do what you can and lean on the village you have while you can.
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